My Christmas 2019 Fake Shoe Gift List

This holiday, I wanted to change up the gifts I gave my family and friends. The sneakers Nike and Adidas put out have been getting so formulaic, don’t you think? I was all out of ideas for gifts until I remembered: the coolest shoes around are from China, where young enterprising individuals have taken it upon themselves to turn the entire industry on its head. So, in this article, I’m showing you some of my favorite gifts for the holiday season.

Patrick Star Travis Scott Air Jordan

Let’s get right into it, shall we? These are an instant classic in the making, that’s for sure. Patrick Star’s iconic green floral pants and pink speckled skin are what the Jordan 1 has been sorely missing. Nike basketball had a Spongebob collaboration this year, but all of those shoes together don’t hold a candle to these bad boys. Plus, who can say no to more Spongebob?! Of course, their crowning feature is the pair of Patrick’s eyes that adorn each of the lateral swooshes, which are constructed in a fashion akin to Nike’s earlier collaboration with Travis Scott this year. And boy oh boy does it look good. I’m getting a pair of these for my little sister, the biggest Spongebob fan in America.

Balenciaga speed runner AF1 high

The first word that comes to mind when I see these: Dope. I have two twin dalmatians and the colors remind me of them because they are black and white just like these! These remind me of shoes that Tony Stark would wear. The strap on the top makes them look super futuristic like Air Mags from Back to the Future. Once I get my dream car (a 2020 Dodge Charger Daytona Hellcat Widebody) I’ll make sure that I only ride in it wearing shoes like these. The slick styling of the Speed trainer is perfectly complemented by the robust collar of the Air Force One. They basically took the best parts from each shoe and made one super shoe. They even come in a sick Nike x Balenciaga box!! I hope my dad likes these when he gets them for his birthday (the day before Christmas!!!).

Adidas x Off-White???

I’ve always thought that collaborating with Nike is what’s been holding Off-White back lately. Why can’t they collaborate with Adidas instead?? Think of the possibilities!!! Well, great minds think alike, and it looks like there’s a factory owner in China with a great mind. Check these out. All they had to do was add the Adidas logo to an Off-White shoe that already existed and voila, the hype level increased 1000x. Off-White and Adidas need to take notice: people will have their wallets open ready to buy if collabs like this materialize in 2020. Get on it, Virgil.

Sean Wotherspoon AJ1

I wanted to keep the Jordan 1s in this article to a minimum, but these were impossible to leave out. Not sure who had the idea for these, but I’d like to track them down and personally thank them. Sean Wotherspoon is nothing short of a visionary, and his designs are not nearly as prevalent in fashion as they should be. Just look at these! Some people say that reusing the same design on multiple sneakers is uncreative and dilutes the authenticity of the design, but I say that’s a bunch of phooey. I hope Nike makes these real, and then makes Sean Wotherspoon AF1s, Air maxes, and Adapt BBs. Then I think my life would be complete.

I’ve already asked my mom for a pair of these for Christmas, I’ll make sure to update this article once I get my paws on them.

Supreme x Jordan 14 Pride edition

Last, but definitely not least. Supreme has been on a missing streak for me lately, and these really fill the Supreme x Jordan-shaped hole in my heart. The original Supreme Jordan 14s were simply wack to me. Where was the color?? These make up for that in spades, Me oh my. It’s comforting to know that there are gay Chinese factory owners, it’s the kind of occupation you wouldn’t expect to be bursting with diversity. Frankly, I’m more surprised that Supreme let these shoes get made, since they aren’t exactly the most progressive streetwear brand around (have you guys seen the Buju Banton tee??). The big sneaker companies have taken to releasing pride-themed shoes during June, but I truly think that these trounce all of their recent efforts.

I’m gifting these to Tyler, the Creator. I hope his feet will squeeze into a grade school size 7.