Let’s Pretend that Didn’t Happen: 5 Trends That Need to Stay in 2019

The following article contains sensitive content in which I will be straight bitching about my least favorite trends that we should definitely, without a doubt, lock away in 2019. This is 110% my personal opinion and if you get offended, well, sorry not sorry. (Disclaimer: fashion is meant to be a vessel of expression so WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT and don’t let haters like me stop you, even if it is kinda ugly).

1. Biker Shorts

For the sake of starting off with controversy, I hate biker shorts. I’m sorry. If this means I will never be a certified Instagram baddie, then so be it. This trend has absolutely exploded this year, worn by a variety of people in a variety of ways. Seen on the runway at fashion weeks globally, biker shorts were featured in almost every Spring/Summer collection.

To name a few: Starting with New York, biker shorts were combined with the neon trend on the Maryam Nassir Zadeh catwalk and were featured with vibrant prints for Collina Strada and Area. In Milan brands like Fendi, MSGM, and Roberto Cavalli all incorporated bike shorts in their designs and in Paris, Acne and Jacquemus hopped on as well. In Chanel’s Spring 2019 show, models sported biker shorts with, get a load of this, BLAZERS. Are you kidding??? The bike short-blazer combo is probably my absolute least favorite way of styling them. Like what? You got a meeting at 7 but gotta hit the gym at 8?

Now, off the runway and onto the streets. Biker shorts have been seen consistently on the bodies of off-duty models, celebrities, influencers, my friends, those girls over there, etc. etc. etc. etc. I’ve seen them in animal print, neon, sparkly, with blazers, t-shirts, crop-tops, button-ups, heels, sneakers, and FLIP FLOPS. They’ve even taken on different names. Bike shorts, biker shorts, cycling shorts, whatever you wanna call them, I don’t care, but I will always call them ugly.

2. Sock Sneakers

I’m sorry but who’s mans thought that this would be a good idea? I really don’t think I can express how much I physically cringe when I see these. They look like the aqua socks that I wear in my fins when I go scuba diving, and only when I go scuba diving.

Sock sneakers were introduced by big athletic brands but since then luxury houses have adapted the model and incorporated them in high end fashion. Balenciaga’s Speed Runner sock sneaks were the shoes that really sent this trend soaring. They range roughly from $600-$700 which is kinda absurd since I get my socks from Hanes in a pack of 6 for $12 but whatever. Other high fashion brands such as Dior and Fendi made attempts at their own, equally ugly, versions of the shoe.

The trend spread like a disease, infiltrating fast fashion markets and allowing society to have the privilege of horrible shoe game for less! If you’re gonna throw away your money on socks with soles then at least it’s only $70 not $700. Right? Sock sneakers first emerged on the runways in 2018 but by some sick miracle, they were brought into 2019. Let’s leave them there shall we? I’m pretty sure Balenciaga was kidding, guys. Jokes over. Move on.

3. Transparency

I’ve got a big issue with this one and I honestly am not completely sure why. It looks… wrong. I just don’t understand. Why would I want to spend thousands of dollars on a Chanel (or Gucci or Valentino or LV or Hermes or even Adidas) purse just to have my tampons and Burt’s Bees on display? I wouldn’t even want to pay $5.

Okay let’s talk about transparent sneakers for a second. You’re telling me that I’ve got to have….. matching socks??? Impossible. Can’t do it. Everybody knows that at least one sock always gets eaten by the washing machine never to be seen again (RIP). And it always happens to the coolest pairs. I’ve seen variations of these shoes worn without socks and if you’re gonna do that then I don’t even know what to say. First of all, sneakers are what you wear when you don’t want the dogs out. Secondly, that is just so so so unbelievably uncomfortable. Why would you do that to yourself.

I really don’t even want to address see-through plastic clothing. We don’t even gotta go there.

4. Shoulder Puff Sleeves

If you find yourself wearing hoop skirts, petticoats, and bonnets like the Victorian era bad bitch that you are, then you could for sure rock the puff sleeves and I would applaud you. If not, please spare my eyes.

Puffy shoulders have literally been EVERYWHERE this year. You could probably spot AT LEAST 5 puff sleeve looks on pretty much every catwalk. Not to mention on every sidewalk.

Puff sleeves are another trend that weasled its way into this year from 2018s September NYFW where brands like Marc Jacobs featured some big ass ugly ass shoulder poofs. The trend became even more popular this year, breaching the fashion wall for us broke bois and littering the racks of more affordable stores. And people LOVED it.

If I have to look at another rendition of this late 1800s trend while bargain shopping at Forever 21, I am going to lose my mind. Queen Victoria’s reign has been over for 118 years. 118 YEARS!!!!!!! Can’t puff sleeves just be over too? Please??? With a cherry on top?????????

5. Fila Fucking Disruptors

Yeah. That’s enough... throw away the key.